Monday, February 7, 2011

Super Bowl Recap, by Someone Who Hasn’t Watched Football Since 2003

I do not follow football. I do not live in America. I don’t even know how far a “yard” is. But this year, after 8 years of proud silence and increasingly unfulfilling feelings of smug superiority, I decided to join 106 million American fans and watch the damn Super Bowl. And let me tell you, I went the whole nine yards (which I assume to be something like 80 decimeters, give or take): I baked some nachos, filled a ice chest with wine coolers, and called up some college buddies to see if they wanted to come over and watch the game.

As it turned out, everyone was busy. They all said they had important stuff to do, like go to the DMV, iron their pants, “eat a really large sandwich.” One of them put on a British accent and said, “the number you have dialed is no longer in service.” I said, “Stop fooling, Jacob, I’d recognize that silky baritone anywhere!” Then he hung up. Classic Jacob!

So, all alone, I settled myself down on the couch, popped open a Bacardi Breezer, and settled in to watch the biggest sporting event of the year.

6:20 pm: Super Bowl, here we come! Green Bay versus Pittsburgh! Battle of the titans! Or, it would be, if Pittsburgh weren’t a decaying rust belt hellhole and Green Bay were a city that anyone had ever heard of.

6:22 pm: Question to investigate later: is it Steelers or Stealers? Also, is it pronounced “Super Bowl ell-eks-vee” or “Super Bowl 45”? Would unmute so I could hear the sportscasters, but these nachos are G-O-O-D GOOD and my fingers are covered in C-H-E-E-S-E CHEESE!

6:28 pm: Wait, everyone on the field is wearing yellow. Literally everyone has yellow pants on. Is this intentional? How many teams are there on the field right now? I’m going to grab another Breezer and think about it.

6:33 pm: The coin is in the air.

6:33 pm: The coin is no longer in the air. Coin toss completed. I feel like I completely understood that stage of the game.

6:40 pm: Someone’s kicking the ball. Why is there kicking?? Did I misunderstand the coin toss? Assumed its purpose was to decide whether the ref should kill the quarterback with a pneumatic cattle gun. I may have to reassess.

6:48 pm: Great catch by Packers’ right fielder Donald Driver.

6:53 pm: Via twitter:

Let’s see if Packers can do better job protecting Rodgers on this drive. He’s gotten smacked twice already.

Rodgers seems to be an important personality in this game. Do not know his first name. I assume it’s not Ginger, but I’ve been wrong before.

6:54 pm: Mister. Mister Rodgers. That sounds right.

7:02 pm: Jordy Nelson, which is clearly a fake name, does a dance in the Steelers’ ending zone. So far this sport has involved quite a bit more dancing than I had originally anticipated.

7:07 pm: From the New York Times liveblog:

I can’t wait to see how Dick Lebeau is going to try to slow down the Packers on the next drive.

I also cannot wait to witness this incomprehensible event!

7:13 pm: Ref penalizes Packers for “excessive celebration”. Little does he know that Green Bay leads nation in the number of Kool & the Gang-related homicides.

7:18 pm: End of first period. Score in the game: Packers 14, Steelers 0. Score at home: Friends 0, Breezers A Thousand Points of Malty Light.

7:49 pm: Frank Zombo now on the field. Even faker than Jordy Nelson. The fakiest name I have every heard.

7:50 pm: Frank Zamboni. Franklin Zomboomafoo. Frankie Zoombini.

7:58 pm: I need another Breezer.

8:14 pm: Did you know that Tostitos aren’t kosher? They have pork in them. THEY’S PORK IN MA NACHOS. I’m getting Breezey.

8:15 pm: I would rather get drunk on Breezers and eat pork chips than watch the Black Eyed Peas perform at the Super Bowl.

9:23 pm: Just spent the last hour drinking Breezers and listening to “Good Day” by David Lynch. I regret nothing.

9:31 pm: Packers 28, Steelers 17. Seventeen is a prime number. How is it that the Steelers have scored more than once and still have a score that’s a prime number? Am I witnessing a mathematical apocalypse? Is am I thinking cearly or has this tasty malt beverage gone to my head.

9:45 pm: Pork my fingers are covered in pork.

10:04 pm: It’s over. It’s all over Packers win. I cannot stand up. I’m going to sit here until the room stops spinning and I stop feeling like I’m going to puke and the world stops caring about football.