Thursday, December 23, 2010

Trilogy by Emerson, Lake & Palmer

Vertical Integration

People in China say that papayas make your breasts grow. Want to know if it’s true? Look at my pecs. You tell me.

Yesterday I went to the fruit market to buy papaya, but the usual lady I get my papaya from wasn’t selling papaya anymore. Her stall was in the same place, and she greeted me just as cheerfully as she usually does, but instead of papayas her table was piled high with brand new bras.

On the Nose

From an advertising skit performed without any apparent irony by my students this week.

A: Who are the smartest people in the world?
B: Einstein?
C: Karl Marx?
A: No, the Jewish race!

Hard Words

Gristle was in my living room the other day wearing no pants. His underwear was very small. I gave him permission to stay at our house, but in the future I should clarify that that doesn’t automatically imply that he has permission to walk around my apartment with more than half of his buttocks on display.

He saw me looking a word up in a Chinese-English dictionary on my computer and came over and asked me whether I thought the dictionary was useful.

“Yeah,” I said, “it’s pretty good.”

“Let me test it. I’ll try a hard word,” he said. He sat down and slowly hunt-and-pecked the word 手淫 into the input box. He pressed enter and the translation — which I already knew — popped up on screen. Masturbation.

“Now this,” he pointed at the screen, “this is a good dictionary.”