The Asian Games are over. Saturday night was the closing ceremony, which meant that Sunday morning’s paper had a full page photo of the previous night’s fireworks, with the headline:
Which means “very warm, very Asia”, but which I would prefer to (liberally) translate as “Hot Asians”.
Subhed: “Guangzhou Asian Games: The Perfect Closing Ceremony.”
Being scientifically minded, I decided to put that claim to the test. Below are the results of my investigations.
First Google Image Search result for “亚运会闭幕式” (Asian Games Closing Ceremony):
I would not describe this photograph as “hot”. Nor, based on lighting, composition, or presence of obscenely large watermark, would I consider this photograph “perfect”.
However it is very Asian.
And we’re off!
Hot rating: 3/10
Asian rating: 10/10
Perfect rating: 2/10
See, here’s what I think about this picture, also from a Google Image Search for “亚运会闭幕式”:
- Pardon me ma’am are you concealing a small bird in your mouth?
- Or perhaps in your hair?
- Speaking of hair: that goat got a cowlick!
These are all my thoughts at this time.
(eyes that speak Chinese! Not offensive!!) readers will tell you that
this photograph is actually not from the closing ceremony, but is
instead of a newscast about the presale of tickets for the opening and
closing ceremonies. Do not listen to them. Listen to the cowlickèd goat
carrying a large orange piece of paper. If you place your ears to a goat horn or stopped-up shofar and listen very, very closely, you will hear his tender baa.
I will dock one Asian point and two hot points for that bejewled farfalla she’s wearing as a brooch.
Hot rating: 7/10 (two points off for pasta pin, one point for bird
Asian rating: 9/10 (ibid.)
Perfect rating: NOT PERFECT ENOUGH/10
Here we go. This is an official video for the closing ceremony. It is the first search result for 亚运会闭幕式 on 优酷, China’s most popular video sharing website. The video title is “Guangzhou Asian Games Closing Ceremony: Rain (exciting dedication song)”. I thought it might be a video of an exciting dedication song from the Guangzhou Asian Games Closing Ceremony.
Instead it’s like Ken Burns took a 47 second Chinese shit on my computer screen and called it a day. This “band”, presumably set to compete with the protagonists in Step Up 4: Tokyo Drift, and their video have been viewed over 100,000 times in the last two days and have attracted 194 comments at the time of this writing, one of which is
Which I would summarize for the hard of seeing as “pink alien/praise/pink alien/praise”. (赞 being Chinese for praise. My dictionary also lists “to patronize” as an acceptable translation, so I guess, in the interest of fairness, that the commenter could be trying to be patronizing. Of course the 赞 “patronize” is not the same thing as that. Also we can’t forget the pink aliens, which I believe speak for themselves.)
(This seems like a good time to mention that our sketch comedy video, “Family Business”, could use more views and comments, and certainly deserves more alien praise than the above.)
I’m tired and don’t have time to finish this post, so we’ll skip straight to ratings.
Hot rating: are
Asian rating: you
Perfect rating: kidding