Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Miracle Cures

Ever since last week’s sickness cleared itself up, I’ve been a changed man. When people have near death experiences, they start realizing what a joy it is to go through their daily lives. I did not have a near death experience, but I still have been spending the past few days enjoying the small, everyday moments when I can complete a simple action without vomiting.

Actually though my life is exactly the same.

For instance, since I am pretty sure that the illness was of the Something I Ate variety, you’d think that I’d be considering changing my food routine. Not so. I’m going to stick with the same rigorous dietary standards that got me this far. For instance, I have a strict “don’t eat maggots” policy which has been extremely successful. (I developed this policy one day last year when I was sitting at my desk and looked down into my mug and saw a maggot floating in my tea. At that moment I decided that I wanted to avoid eating maggots as much as possible, and now I check my teabags for maggots before putting them in hot water. If I eventually write a magazine for Guangzhou homeowners, tip number one is going to be don’t use a teabag if it is obviously covered in maggots. It’s simple, but you know what? It really works.)

I also have rules about not buying oysters from the man who opens and cleans them in the gutter of the street near my house. The rule here is “don’t eat anything that is opened and cleaned in a place where babies regularly poop.” This seems like a pretty good rule. It is also not likely to change.

Furthermore, I cured this illness exactly the same way I solve all of my other problems, i.e. by drinking Gatorade and making myself vomit. Usually that’s an iffy solution at best but it worked extremely well in this particular situation.

I don’t want to change any of this (my eating habits, my cure for the common stomach flu, my bad attitude) because I am afraid of what will happen if I do. The only Chinese person I could really ask about any of this is Gristle, and I find his commitment to Traditional Chinese Medicine troubling. Also because I walked into the grocery store the other day and sitting on the shelf near the checkout was a bottle of these guys:

New Zealand Sheep Placenta

and at that point I said, you know what, let’s make that a rule too: Absolutely No Placenta Softgels. I can promise that even if I contract the exact affliction these are supposed to treat, no matter what it is, I will not take the placenta softgels and will rely instead the solution I already trust: the blue Gatorade that tastes like sugar going down and feels like battery acid coming up as you vomit over and over and over.