Friday, March 26, 2010

Diptych

  1. The Guangzhou mosquito situation has gotten out of control. I know that the fact that I don’t have to worry about malaria and Japanese encephalitis immediately disqualifies me from making statements like this at international cocktail parties without sounding like a huge douche, but that’s why I have a blog. And also why I don’t get invited to many international cocktail parties.

    Whatever. There are a TON of mosquitoes in my apartment. And a ton hovering in the hallway right outside my apartment which enter and leave with impunity whenever I open the door. I actually have two front doors, a real door and a metal gate in front of it, so when I go I I have to open and close both of them quickly in succession to prevent mosquito infestation. I feel like I’m trying to run a clean room facility or something. I mean, what is this, Outbreak starring Rene Russo?

    The only real weapon I have against the mosquitoes is my tennis racket of death, pictured here.

    mosquito racket

    When I press a button on the side of this devilishly creative device, lethal current (to mosquitoes, not sure about people) rushes through the wire mesh in the middle. I keep this implement of destruction near me at all times because mosquitoes love biting me. Gus has gotten a few mosquito bites this year. I’ve gotten dozens and dozens. I wake up with mosquitoes buzzing around my ears, or sitting on my face, or biting my chest stomach arms back and legs. I am beset. I am at war. I will not rest. Seriously, they wake me up almost every night. Really hard to get quality sleep time in.

  2. Today in class, a student tries to sell an old broken computer mouse:

    Student: Jon, have you used this mouse before?
    Me: Yeah.
    Student turns to class
    Student: Ladies and Gentlemen, what if I told you that you could use a mouse also used by the most handsome man on the planet. Jon used this mouse! Do you want to go to Princeton? Use this mouse! Do you want to become the teacher of me?
    Other Student: Not really.
    Student: Still, use this mouse. Be handsome! Go to Princeton! Be like Jon! Be like Obama!
    Other Student: Obama didn’t go to Princeton.
    Other Student #2: Jon’s better than Obama.

    Everybody gets an A!

  3. Fact of the day: 95% of domestically brewed Chinese beer contains formaldehyde. I think I’ll be more concerned about this once I sober up a little.

I guess I ended up with a triptych. Regular Hieronymus Bosch over here.