Thursday, October 29, 2009

Gather 'round, for I have news!

I know I keep posting about Chinese news organizations, but they're just so damn entertaining, it's impossible to resist.

Before I begin, a quick update on the battle for "China Daily Headline Which Most Resembles A Daily Princetonian Headline". Winner: Campus club gets failing grade from critics. Runners up: Thousands applying for gov't jobs, Google chief Schmidt maps out future of internet, Cats and dogs use more energy than cars. At least the China Daily doesn't have film reviews, which I promise is an improvement over the Daily Princetonian situation.

So, the China Daily. I've talked about how entertaining it is in the past, but it really isn't quite as funny as Chinese-language news, which, as you may remember from my post about the Black Man article, is just crazy talk. (I had "jive talk" written for a second, but I think that's somehow racist in this context.)

But earlier this week, I realized that my love for Chinese language news could be communicated to you without my having to translate a lot of articles, because the China Daily runs translated blurbs from news agencies all around China in a section called ChinaScene (the fact that it's all one word means that it's hip). So today I'm just going to list all of the headlines from one day of the ChinaScene section. I'm not going to add jokes of any kind. (Hecklers in the audience are now free to shout, "so it'll be just like normal!!" or something to that effect.) I just want you to see what life in China is like.

Man injured as onion drops straight on head

Trying shortcut home, man gets stuck on tree

Woman destroys factory after fight with hubby

Woman hurt in fight for TV remote control

Man sentenced for 'stealing' ex-wife's car

Girl, 15, lives alone, grows vegetables to survive

Woman sues ex-hubby for buying mistress a house

Wife killer surrenders on daughter's request

Man, 52, dies of heart attack while climbing hill

Couple loses grandson during volleyball game

Thief who stole from police building arrested

Boy attacks friend who farts at birthday bash

Worker hits massive jackpot on birthday

Residents rescue snake from wild cats

Pushups for punishment ensure students behave

Remember that this is just one day which I selected at random from the pile of papers in our entryway. I can barely describe how awesome this collection of stories is. I will note that they seem to have an obsession with snakes, because today's ChinaScene had a story with the headline "Woman, 60, kills snake after 30-minute struggle".

From these two examples, I have concluded that, even in a country of 1.3 billion people, newspapers still think wrestling snakes is pretty effing awesome. And they're not wrong.