Tuesday, September 29, 2009


I just got a message from the American Consulate in China about two "stabbing incidents" in Beijing earlier this week.

The first incident: a French tourist was "slightly injured" in a knife attack near Tian'anmen Square. Fine, whatever. French people are always getting stabbed. I mean, who among us has not stabbed a French tourist before? That's a classic middle-school dare in Quebec. Happens all the time.

But the second incident:

"Two days earlier, two security guards were killed and 14 people wounded in a separate knife attack in the same area."

WHAT THE EFF. Two security guards were killed and fourteen people were wounded in a single knife attack? Are they serious? How does someone manage to stab 16 people in one go? That is un-believable.

Let me give you a sense of what it's like to stab 16 people.

It's like playing capture the flag against 16 people and tagging them all out at once, except to tag them out you don't have to two-hand touch them, you have to stab them.

It's like stabbing all of the members of a Rugby Sevens team twice, and then stabbing two additional people.

It's like getting a baker's dozen doughnuts, plus then ordering three more because you're super hungry, and then you stab them all, despite the fact that the doughnuts can run and hide from predators and call for help. You stab them all.

Hey, speaking of segues, get ready for a post later today about our new chin-up bar! If any of you thought that this blog was going to be full of thoughtful meditations on Chinese culture and history rather than stories about Gus and me and our huge pecs, you've been misinformed.