Tuesday, September 1, 2009

It is *literally* peanut butter jelly time. *Literally*.

I like peanut butter because it's good and good for you and because peanut butter means, "America! We Love Peanuts So Much That George Washington Carver Was Basically A President!"

Lots of Americans abroad like peanut butter, because it tastes like home, but I'm really trying to avoid the expat clichés while I'm here. So I buy Chinese-brand peanut butter.
Here's the jar that I bought today.

Peanut, peanut butter...and jelly! (But still no jelly. There's not going to be any jelly at any point during this post.)

So it says PEANUT BUTTER. It's got red, white, and blue. The label on the side even says 美国口味, which means "American Flavor."

Well strap on the flight suit, 'cause this mission's accomplished, right? Yeah, except the Chinese label doesn't say 花生浆, which would be peanut butter. It says 花生调味浆, which means peanut (flavoring) butter. This is the apple jacks of peanut butters, minus the commercials where I yell at my old man for being such a square and wanting cereal that actually tastes like what it's supposed to taste like.

On the ingredients label, peanuts are the third ingredient, after edible corn starch and hydrogenated vegetable oil. Other ingredients include "peanut essence" and the food additives GMS and TBHQ, which wikipedia says causes stomach tumors and damage to DNA, which wikipedia politely calls "some negative health effects" but which I call "jesus christ why is my peanut butter attacking my DNA."

So I've decided to keep this jar of peanut butter rather than eat it, because it's the first time I've seen a dangerous, ostensibly patriotic bait-and-switch foisted on unsupecting American citizens.