Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Guess who's coming to dinner?

This guy!



Everyone knows that Sydney Poitier starred in "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?". What this image presupposes is...maybe he didn't? What if you had cast a (white) harp seal instead? More or less shocking for 1967 audiences? Goosechills! (Obviously this would not be a problem today, because Obama abolished racism forever.)

Anyway, this little bundle of love could be yours. To eat! And I'd be the one to sell it to you.

To be specific, Gus and I may or may not have been inadvertently hired as salesmen for an Amway-esque direct-marketing firm which deals in traditional Chinese medicinal remedies, including baby seal parts. We asked Gristle what you're supposed to use seal for, and he says it's for improving sexual performance. Presumably this is why they need to kill the cutest seals in the world, seen here in an actual photo from the brochure:



Note that there are five (5) pictures of seals on this page, lest you forget that you are eating baby seals. Delicious, sexy seals.

The process by which we were hired by this man is still a mystery to me. Summary: Gus met a guy on a bridge, guy was selling medicinal posters, gave Gus two posters for free but took his business card, one year later calls Gus and says he wants Gus to look at some of his products, Gus and I meet the man and his associate at a KFC, man hands Gus and me glossy brochures filled with seal pictures, man puts oil on our necks to show us how the medicine works, man assures us that if we promote this info to our friends in Guangzhou then "we can all make money together". (yes, seriously: "我们都能赚钱.") Joke's on him, because our only close Chinese friends in Guangzhou are Gristle, who already has traditional Chinese medicine, and Superman, who seems not to need sexual aids of any kind.

I wasn't sure how to say "pyramid scheme" in Chinese (best attempt: "business method with levels that look like a triangle!"), so here we are, owners of glossy seal brochures, necks covered in oil which was probably extracted from a kitten.

On the plus side, he gave us a gift: a book on what foods to eat to avoid constipation. So not a total loss.